Over the years, with my struggles with grief, I found also some of my jigsaw puzzle. One of them was a sense of my low self-esteem and need for deserving love. These two patterns (which I have described before, but in another sense) came to me very frequently in a variety of situations. One of them was the relationship with people. Over the years, I really suffered when established connections and friendships ended over time or suddenly. I always blamed myself for that reason. I thought that I was not good enough, do not act as expected, did not deserve to be loved. This problem appeared many times, and I saw myself as the culprit.
After a while I began to understand that the problem of fibromyalgia was with me, but with a completely different reason. I waited for acceptance and love from someone on the outside, and I felt a sense of guilt when not lived up to expectations. I felt also that I gave all of myself, and the person walked away. This constant expectation of revenge and grief caused increasing tension in the body. It always lay in the patterns from childhood, only changed their quality (increasing) and lead to physical pain.
Since then, I realized that I have to love myself first, so I am. Breaking with the people ceased to be a problem for me. I remained together, even when someone has made this choice, and walked away. I understood it was not because of me. Everyone chooses his path. I love myself and I stay together if I was with anyone or alone. I do not have to earn love and acceptance. I am the whole from my nature and love is in me when I give its access. Self-love is fundamental in each relationship, and particularly the relationship with myself.
When you love yourself, there is nothing you lack and and you do not need fear or tension because someone does not give you anything, or that I need to get something from anyone. I am calm and the tranquility in me not allow any tension. I allow people to be with me and without me, because I allow myself to be me always.